


Stay

by UnmadeMind



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Canon Compliant, Developing Relationship, F/M, Fairest of the Rare's Sing Me A Rare 2019, Pregnancy, Romance, Song: Creep (Radiohead)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-22
Updated: 2019-04-22
Packaged: 2020-01-23 17:02:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18554026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnmadeMind/pseuds/UnmadeMind
Summary: Remus finally finds a place to belong. This story is about his finding a reason to stop running. A look at the heartache, happiness, and struggle of letting someone love all of him, even the parts he's most afraid of.





	Stay

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Sing-Me-A-Rare Volume 3. Winner of Best Use of Song. Runner up for Best Male Characterization. 
> 
> Much love to my alpha and beta: oblivion_baby who held my hand while I untangled the story in my head to make it fit the lyrics of the song, helped me with plot holes, reminded me that I can leave out things that make me uncomfortable, and loved me with all my nagging questions and doubts. And RooOJoy for making final critiques, pointing out timeline issues and confusion, and making sure I had a story fit for the eyes of readers. You two are priceless assets to my this story and I appreciate so much all your time and effort.  
> Song Prompt - Creep, Radiohead

“‘You’d know perfectly well who I’ve fallen for, if you weren’t too busy feeling sorry for yourself to notice.’” 

Remus let those words roll over and over in his head as he held her face tightly to his. He didn’t even have to worry about whether or not he was good at kissing, being with her in this moment was so instinctual. He knew with faultless confidence he was doing it right.

Nymphadora’s sounds and body language assured him of that. She threw a leg over his lap. They’d been seated chastely side by side, which he was comfortable with, but this was pushing it. He needed to be with her, but only so much that he was still capable of leaving, because this— _they—_ could not be a _thing_. He’d adored her for so long, she was so fucking special and he was a monster. He knew he’d never deserve her. She unbuttoned the front of his shirt and ran her perfect hands over his scar torn skin. Man or beast, his reaction was visceral and obvious to them both. Tonks didn’t stop kissing him as she moved against him and caressed his muscled chest. She let out a deep moan and he sensed her longing in his cursed blood.

She grabbed his hands and moved them from her neck down to her breasts, so perfectly small and warm through her shirt. He massaged them in sensual rotations, kissing her all the while. He wanted her so badly, but wouldn’t dare remove her clothing.

* * *

 

_[The next day…]_  

 

“We need to talk,” he said firmly as he stood on the stoop of her flat. It was already dark and stars were starting to shine through the blackness behind him. Tonks took it as a good sign that the skies were clear and hopeful looking tonight. 

“Alright, do you want to come in?”

“Sure.” He stepped through the door, and she moved to shut it behind him. The smell of him made her tingle like a lit fuse. She caught a faint whiff of scotch mixed with the smell of fresh, dewy air. She wondered instantly if Remus could smell _her…_ Her hair turned blush to match her cheeks.

“I’m ashamed of how last night… went. I should have been more level headed, and I failed us both. It can never happen again.” He paused to let it sink in.

She could tell he had practiced these lines over and over. So methodical and calculating. He was even standing like some sort of dummy in a robe shop, just there to fill a cloak. His grief and monotony hit her in the gut, and she instantly felt overwhelmed by a myriad of emotions. Anger, fear, frustration, adoration, love, and arousal. She felt incredibly anxious and unable to prioritise the feelings bubbling inside her. Sorrow won out over all them and burst from her without warning. 

“When you were here before,” her breath caught in a sob. He couldn’t stand to see her so upset on his account. He’d made a mistake getting so close to her in the heat of the moment. He should have just left to protect her. She continued, “I couldn't look you in the eye because you're just like… like an angel. Remus, you’re amazing— your skin! Touching your skin, feeling you, makes me cry, for Merlin’s sa—”

“Tonks,” he interjected strongly, “I am not a bloody angel. If anything I’m a damned one, and my skin is scarred to high hell. There’s nothing beautiful about it! What happened between us last night was a mistake. I just… there’s just no way that this— that we—” He was struggling to get his point across. He’d had some scotch to numb himself a bit from the hurt he was about to inflict on them both, but in hindsight it was making his mouth work faster than his brain.

She stopped listening. Though they’d not spent much time alone in conversation together, she felt as if she understood him more than anyone she’d ever been with. He had that alpha male tone in his voice that meant he was not going to hear anything she said anyway. Her mind wandered back to the encounter they were arguing about.

She could remember so vividly the moment she felt him freeze in regret? Fear? His hands had been so perfectly caressing her, feathery and beautiful, up until that moment. She had been ravenous for more of him. All of him. She loved the twit. Loved him so much that she couldn’t look into his eyes when he lifted her off his lap and onto the couch beside him. Her eyes closed as she had tried to hold on to the feeling of being with him. He kissed her cheek, stood, and as he walked to the door she pleaded in a painful whisper, “please stay.” But he mumbled something about needing air and was gone.

Tonks was snatched out of her daydream at the sound of Remus’ self deprecating speech, “I wish I was the special person for you, Tonks, you are so fuckin’ special.” Tears were gathering in his green eyes. “But I’m not. I can’t change what’s happened. I’m a creep, a weirdo.” 

“Remus,” she screamed, hair bursting red to match the rage in her voice. She felt like he was pouring hot coals onto her heart when he talked about himself like that. “Listen to me! You cannot change what happened!” She placed her hands firmly on his cheeks and stroked the scar along his cheek, her voice sounded like a prayer. “I want you how you are, love. Please, stop thinking… whatever it is you’re thinking. I can feel you shutting me out! Stop!” He was looking her in the eyes, but it was like she was disappearing.

“What the hell am I doing here?” he whispered under his breath calmly. He felt as if he were in shock. It was almost like sensing a Dementor nearby, but instead of feeling cold and empty he felt full of pain. His eyes fell to the floor where he was standing. He could imagine loving her. Their snogging session the night before had given plenty of fuel for his fantasies. Unfortunately, if he stayed around, she’d wind up pregnant with his litter. He wouldn’t make her an outcast for the rest of their lives. No. The cycle must not carry on. “I don’t belong here.”

Tonks audibly sucked in a breath. Remus sensed that she was torn between hugging him and slapping him, but he wouldn’t look at her, knowing he, no doubt, deserved the latter. He was anchored by her touch, frozen in the moment, waiting for her to strike him for breaking her heart. If she stopped touching his face there would be no way to keep him from bolting out her door and never looking back.

“Remus, I am begging you, please don’t leave. I don’t care if it hurts, you can claim me or change me, _have_ me, please.”

His eyes met hers. “Dora,” he sighed heavily and moving her hands from his face he held them in his. “I want to have control. I can’t even control my body! Think about the physical danger you’d be in… and then you’d never be safe from ridicule…”

She let the faintest grin fall from her lips. “You act as if I have a perfect body and some spotless soul. I’m a weirdo too, love. Face it. I already know ridicule and public humiliation; I’m not afraid of it.”

“Your soul is perfect. All of you is perfect…” He ran a thumb mindlessly over her knuckles. He wanted so badly to lean down and kiss her. She was so lovely. “Tonks, I need to leave.”

“I won’t let you.” She full on smiled.

Tonks let out a low growl as she leapt up and wrapped her legs around his hips. Her hands were in his hair at the base of his neck, and she was kissing his face all over. Her sudden attack left him stumbling forward and bracing them both against the wall. She held on and giggled into the kisses. Her heart ached knowing that her attempts to hold on to him wouldn’t last. If he’d made up his mind to leave, he would leave. Remus Lupin was a man of his word even if it meant breaking both their hearts. He was no stranger to pain. Loss was as familiar to him as breath, it came and went before he was fully aware of it.

He knew she was seducing him even though he’d come here to explain, apologize, and leave. He was prepared to reject her physical advances before he got to her house. He knew she might try something like this. Being with her was like riding a wave of bliss and pain. The feelings that she made him feel of warmth and love was the crescendo into the crest. Then immediately after he was plunged into the depth of the sea, at the reality that he could never, ever have her.

It would be a disgrace to shackle someone so immaculate to someone so ruined for the sake of what? Commitment? Love? If not for her affections in this moment, he would be impossibly overcome by thoughts that fell from the dark truth nesting within him: he was about to walk away from one of the best things fate had ever gifted him. It would undoubtedly undo him. While he was not unfamiliar with heartbreak at all, crushing her heart was an unbearable thought.

Remus wasn’t ready for that though; not yet. The longing in her dark brown eyes was enough to make the choice for him. He decided that spending the rest of the night with her would be a parting gift. He felt incredibly selfish and thankful in the same moment as he grabbed her perfect bum and pulled her against himself more firmly.

They found themselves in her bed, half clothed and pressed together like the pages of the most tragic book. His shirt buttons were undone, but his trousers had remained. The hem of her dress was up around her thighs, and she had pulled the straps off of her shoulders to reveal the curves of her breasts and the pale, lacy shell of her bra. He wouldn’t let them expose any more of themselves than this, though; here was a fine line between gifting himself a night of pleasure with the woman he loved more than anything in the world, and completely shattering the careful boundaries of his will. He wouldn’t be able to stop himself from claiming her as his own if he saw any more of her skin.

He kissed from her collar bone, along the edge of her bra, up to the hollow behind her ear. The upward movement wedged his body tightly between her legs. She groaned - aroused, frustrated, and excited. He sensed her readiness and dipped his body toward hers. The friction made her cry out in pleasure. A trembling growl tore from him as his long, graceful fingers found their way to her center. He pleasured her deftly, playing softly along her sex until she surrendered to the explosion of bliss he built within her. He couldn’t take his eyes off the many beautiful contradictions of her as she arched into him and knotted his shirt in her hands. Her body hard as her muscles clenched and soft where his hand rested between her legs. She was both fierce and fragile, he realized, and that was what had drawn him to her. She contained in her small body the power to match him, the tenderness to see him as his true self, and the grace to love him in spite of it.

After she had come down from her climax he buried his hands in her indigo hair, and their kisses mingled with Remus’ tears. Her sighs against his mouth were hot, and he committed every one to memory. He would take these moments with him because their future was already set in motion, and they’d be headed different directions. Remus had previously told Dumbledore he would infiltrate a pack and bring back intel. He’d be gone for six months at least. This was the way he would remember her. He had no doubt his life would end long before hers, and this last night shared is one he would relive in his final moments as the best of his existence, bathing in her adoration and pleasure.

He lay beside her, assuring her he did not need her to return the pleasure, and began to run his fingers across her brow. He cast a cleansing charm, summoned the quilt to cover them, and kissed her temple.

“Remus… you’ll stay?” she muttered sleepily.

“Hmm?” he stalled. His mind was buzzing with a million thoughts, and he knew their time together was spent. He’d loved her as much as he could let himself, and now it was time to put a safe distance between them. His heart had already begun to close to her in preparation to leave, and he wished sorely he could close hers too.

“Stay with me.” Her eyes were closed, her breath a steady whisper.

“I’m yours forever…”

She hummed contentedly, and a few moments later he felt her relax and drift off to sleep. Assurance. We all long for assurance, the thought pained him. He was sure that she would notice when he was no longer around. He couldn’t just vanish. The guilt of the oncoming hurt he would cause her was crashing around him. Tears ran down his cheeks and splashed onto her hair. He kissed her forehead. Why was she so fuckin’ special to him? He wished he could change, he wished he could be safe for her. To be special with her, for her.

The dark, bitter voice he fought so long to keep at bay tonight whispered inside his head, “ _I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here…”_

He carefully escaped her bed, buttoned his shirt quickly, and silently fled. He’s running out again. He’s running out. And all he could hear as he ran was the sound of that voice: _run, run, run, run._

 

* * *

 

_[One Year Later]_  

 

When he finally returned she was less vibrant. He wasn’t being critical, he’d been roughed up as well, but her magical gifts made it obvious that she wasn’t feeling like herself. He saw her at an Order meeting. She’d lost weight and seemed to carry a cloak of animosity around on her shoulders, but his soul still longed to be hers. His feelings for her had anything but diminished during his time away. He wasn’t sure where she stood on the issue, but what mattered more than any feelings at all was the fact that he kept her at a distance, that he kept her safe from him. He was poor, dangerous, and cursed as ever. These truths didn’t keep him from wanting her with every fiber of his traitorous body.

He’d have to ask someone in the Order if she was ill, but who could he trust? He didn’t want her to know he was asking about her, lest she get the wrong idea. She left quickly as soon as the meeting adjourned. 

He waited for most of the Order to leave the room before he rushed up to the library, not ready to return to his cold, empty home alone. He needed a moment to collect his thoughts, formulate a plan for checking on Tonks, and pull his heart out of his stomach from seeing her. One thing about being with the pack for so long was that he was now used to company. So being in the house with people, even if he wasn’t in the same room, became a comfort. This was not something he’d anticipated, but it was a simple solace that endangered no one so he was willing to lean into the need.

He’d also not anticipated Tonks leaning against a shelf boredly awaiting his arrival. Her mousy brown hair was lackluster and dull compared to her typical pink, but still so beautiful against her pale face. Her dark eyes bore into him.

“Are you _happy_?” she whispered, eyes flashing with a hint of rage and some other emotion Remus couldn’t quite make out because it was so briefly visible. Her body was tense, pretending to be lounging, but definitely carrying stress.

His brain was in overdrive, and he wasn’t quite sure how to answer her question. He’d just spent many months hiding out pretending to be someone he wasn’t, but also being who he believed his cursed self to be — spying on werewolves for the Order, and far away from the woman he loved most in the world. No he wasn’t happy, but he couldn’t bloody well say that to her. He swallowed, trying to formulate some sort of response. He shrugged and looked away from her, sadly.

“Are you alright? Are you well?” he asked, painfully. He tried to keep his expression neutral and uncaring, but he wasn’t sure it was working.

She let out a cold “hah” almost laugh that didn’t change the neutral expression on her face. “Really, Remus, you of all people should know what rejection feels like.”

He arched his brow quizzically and tilted his head slightly, absorbing the information but not quite connecting it to himself. He’d been gone, after all, long enough for her to find someone else…

“Un-bloody-believable.” She rolled her eyes and pushed away from the shelf, sauntering toward him. There was rage in her gait, and she held herself with an intensity he’d not seen in her before. He remembered their last night together when he recognized her ferocity and fragility. Maybe now she was all ferocity and no fragility.

“You left, Remus. Without saying goodbye, without explaining… Whatever makes _you_ happy, whatever you want, Remus.” Then the fire in her eyes turned to ice, and he realized, achingly, that he was the reason she was so sad. She breezed past him, pausing at the library door. He watched the strong set of her shoulders deflate as she murmured without turning, “I’ve never loved anyone so much… still do.” And as she stepped over the threshold he knew he had been wrong: these days she was all fragility and no ferocity. And it was his fault.

 

* * *

 

_[Just After The Battle of the Astronomy Tower]_

 

He was still processing Dumbledore’s death and Greyback attacking Bill Weasley. The former made him ache with sadness and the latter made him burn with rage. He’d not been at all thinking about his feelings for Tonks for the first time in a long while. So Remus was blindsided by Tonks’ outright declaration of her love for him in the hospital wing.  Being back home but staying away from her had been complete torment, but he’d honestly thought she would have moved on while he was gone. He was pretty sure he never would be able to move on. He floated from the hospital corridor dirty, bruised, and exhausted. Tonks followed him, angry tears welling up in her eyes. Remus stopped in the corridor, turned to face her abruptly, and she nearly ran into him.

“I don’t know what you want from me, Tonks. I’m trying to bloody protect you from being shackled to a practically unemployable, cursed half-breed, with enough emotional baggage to fill the entire Hogwarts Express. I am full to the brim with loss and pain, and I’m no good for you! You are the very definition of goodness itself, and it makes no sense for someone as different—” He paused wanting to be clearly understood. “—as special as you to be trapped with me in this tormented existence I live.”

Tonks ran her hands through her brown hair and sucked in a deep breath. She shook out her arms as if preparing for a fist fight. Then after another deep breath, “Remus, take your prat-face out of your arsehole! Will you sod off with the blooming pity party and putting me on a bloody fucking pedestal? For Merlin’s sake, open your bloody fucking wolf ears and hear me!”

His mouth remained shut, but he had to clench his jaw hard for two reasons: to keep his chin off the floor and to keep from smiling. The woman swore like a banshee, apparently, and it wasn’t that he found it funny, but that he learned something new about this tiny witch.

“Why is it you—” She jabbed her finger into his ribs hotly, “—who gets to decide what supposed danger I am willing to let into my life? We are in a bloody war, for Merlin’s sake! There’s constant danger! You’re not my boss, and frankly, I’m sick of listening to you talk about how dangerous you are and how I deserve so much better and all that shite that you use to keep people out! Remus, you say you’re protecting me, but you’re breaking my heart with this constant rejection, and I can’t make heads or tails of it anymore. I don’t know if you’re denying your feelings for me to bloody ‘protect’ me, or if you’re honestly not attracted to me and you don’t want to just fucking tell me so I can move on. Because, damnit, I have bloody fallen for you, but your damn chivalry charade is driving me crazy.”

Her face, reddened from shouting, was at his chest, and she was staring right into his eyes; he could see her searching for an answer to her question. She lowered her voice to a whisper, “It’s fine if you don’t want me, Remus. I just need to hear you say that. To say ‘I don’t want you’... because these reasons you’re giving me sound like pish posh excuses to keep from letting yourself be loved. I deserve to know the truth so that I can figure out what the bloody fucking hell—”

He put his finger to her lips to silence her, and her brown eyes bore into his as they shared a thoughtful silence and let the veracity of her words settle into both of them. He had hurt her by trying to protect her. He’d kept her away with excuses, and she honestly doubted his affections for her because of how pig-headed he’d been. Yet, even through her doubts, she was able to scream the truth he hadn't yet admitted to himself; Remus was pushing her away because he was scared as hell to let her love him.

She saw through him; Remus had definitely met his match. He felt as if the dam of his heart would burst. He took a deep breath and lifted his left hand to tuck a strand of her brown hair behind her ear, “I want you. I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anyone or anything in the span of my existence. I adore you.” 

Her throat visibly worked to swallow down emotions— hopefully one of them being relief— and she took a breath so she could respond. He pressed his finger gently against her lips as if to say _wait._ Cradling her jaw in his palms, he continued, “I want you, Tonks, forever. I can’t, however, just drag you into the mess of me without you understanding how serious my concerns are. I change every month, literally. I become less than human, dangerous, and, frankly, unstable. You know this, but I really need you to understand that it’s really inconvenient at times…” He was rambling now, flinging his fears at her feet, ready to show her everything. “And I fear so much that forever isn’t long for me... That I’m killed, and you’ll be left with a broken heart. And I fear that if forever is a long time for us that I’ll create more… mutts like me who will live the broken life that I have.” He shook his head, choosing his next words carefully. “Tonks, you sit with this information for as long as you need, consider it, understand that I do have feelings for you, but that I have valid concerns and if you want to… to…” 

Tears streamed down his face as his voice broke with emotion at the consideration, and he brushed Tonk’s cheeks with his thumbs as her own tears began to fall. “...To be with me then come tell me. If you don’t, we will never speak of this conversation again, I will harbor no anger towards you, and we will remain friends and colleagues.” He nodded and pulled his hands away from her face, reading awe and shock and confusion all over it. He felt an intense relief wash over him for he’d opened his heart and invited her in, and if she chose not to enter he’d never be able to blame her, but if she did decided to love him in return… he could only imagine the joy a wife, a _mate_ could bring to his broken life. The corners of his mouth turned up into a very small grin. “G’night, Nymphadora.” He gave her hand a gentle squeeze, turned on his heel, and headed for home.

Remus walked into his cottage and felt the weight of the day start to crash around him. He felt deliriously hungry and tired, but also incredibly light. Confessing had been the right thing to do. He used a handy cooking charm to get food going on the stove while he slipped off his shoes and staggered down the narrow hallway toward the shower. He could have used a cleansing charm, sure, but he needed to ground himself by taking part in a basic human practice. He did this often after his monthly transformations, showered just to feel normal. It was as if he was telling his brain, _Look, I’m just a person, doing a person thing… everything’s fine_ even though he felt like nothing was really ever fine. This was one of his healthier coping mechanisms.

He started the shower and waited for the water to warm up. This was a key part of being normal, things taking time. He took off his shirt and began taking inventory of any new scars. There was a smudge of ash across his forehead, some blood on his shoulder, multiple bruises on his arms. He was lucky. He cursed under his breath and wondered if Tonks was okay. He resolved himself to bathing, eating, sleeping, and hoping that tomorrow he wouldn’t go mad waiting to run into her.

There was a knock at his door. He shut off the water and, slipping his arms back into the sleeves of his shirt but not fiddling with the buttons. His ward wouldn’t allow anyone with ill will to pass through. It was likely to be someone from the Order checking in, though he couldn’t see why they didn’t just send a patronus. He opened the door, and his stomach dropped as if it had fallen to his feet.

He’d been overcome by the sight of her, teary eyed and light pink hair reflecting the sunset light. He grabbed her face and kissed her deeply, like he’d dreamt of for months. She tasted better than he remembered, like happiness: the forbidden fruit he’d denied himself until now. Remus Lupin was done denying himself belonging. This kiss grew in depth and intensity until Tonks had fistfuls of Remus’ shirt in her hands to keep from falling backwards. She gave a little hop and wrapped her legs around his hips without breaking the kiss. Remus carried her into the house.

Remus basked in the feeling of being wanted, and Tonks soaked in the sensations of dreams come true. They had denied themselves for long enough, and there was no time now to waste with discussion or fears. He felt almost like he were being mauled by a kitten in the most pleasurable way. Her nails bit into his skin, but never deep enough to hurt, her teeth brushed along tender places on his shoulder and neck that felt just intense enough to be immensely pleasing. He let out a low growl as they made it to his bedroom. They disrobed violently, and met each other naked in the middle of the bedroom. Remus took in the sight of her with a hunger that rivaled that of the hunger he felt during his transformation: insatiable.

“You’re incredible.” He was nearly breathless.

“I love you, Remus.” He punctuated her words with a squeeze of her arse before tossing her onto the bed. They’d said all that was needed, and now it was time for their love to manifest in the bliss of oneness.

Tonks summoned her wand from the pile of clothes on the floor and cast a contraceptive charm. Remus felt a sudden freeness and relief at that. He was going to ask her, but it was like she read his fears. He kissed her and moved down her body, planting brief worshipful pecks along her collarbone, breasts, down the spanse of her stomach, her hips, and her thighs. He licked his finger and ran it down the crease of her, gently opening her. She let out a sigh that turned to a gasp as he breathed against her wetness. He moved her knees over his shoulders, and he kissed her center. Even her flavor was perfect: earthy and faintly sweet.

Remus hummed a low growl against her as she grew more aroused and arched her back. He was _growing_ impatient and would have her soon, _to claim her_. Tonks must have sensed his intense need and opened her arms to him. He kissed her center firmly once more then landed gently in her embrace and suckling at her neck teasingly. Tonks’ legs wrapped around his hips and he smiled sheepishly. It was wonderful to be so intensely desired. He lifted himself up and stroked her hair back onto the pillow, he planted an unyielding and adoring kiss on her forehead and she whispered, breathily, “I’m yours, Remus.”

Remus entered her and she held tightly to his body until he was fully immersed. Tonks hummed with fullness, body tight with anticipation of pleasure, but also acclimating to the newness of his presence. She relaxed and he began to rock gently against her. 

Soon she grew more aggressive and her nails found his back, letting out a deep moan as he quickened the pace. Remus wanted to see her shatter before him, ravished in pleasure. He kissed her face, cradling her head in his hands. With each and every plunge he felt himself edging closer to bliss. Tonks reached up, buried her hands in his hair, urgently pulled his mouth to hers, and kissed him hungrily.

As he was trying to regain control of his enthusiastic reactions to her passion, she pushed at his shoulder, bucked her hip, and rolled him to his side. She forced him onto his back and mounted him quickly. The witch was rocking her body against his in a furious friction of pleasure and she began to moan, “Remus, I’m close…” He grabbed her hips and arched into her rhythmically. His instincts were making it more difficult to be under her. He _needed_ to establish his dominance, to take her. He couldn’t lie there anymore. He pulled out and moved behind her, reaching around he held her breasts and thrust inside her. The irony was not lost on him. She was on all fours, completely submissive to him. 

She looked over her shoulder at him and he growled, “Tonks, you’re mine!” Instinctively while she was whimpering with the pleasure of her building orgasm, he leaned over her and bit, not lightly, at the meeting over her neck and shoulder. He did not let go until he felt it: something within her shifted and she cried out as she pulsated around him in orgasm and he pounded into her powerfully until he was taken over the edge, spilling himself, mated.

 

* * *

 

_[July 1997, shortly after their wedding]_

 

The wedding was small and lovely. Remus felt overjoyed to have her as his wife. By simply existing in his presence she brought such lightness to him and for every moment he found himself slipping back to old patterns of thinking about himself as a creep she would flit into the room and notice the far off look in his eyes and reach out to him. Pulling him back. Her humor was unmatched and she joked about their first night together and “of course you’d claim me doggy style, Remus. How _predictable_.” And her eyes would twinkle, daring him to prove her wrong, that doggy style was not, in fact, the only position he knew. He definitely showed her a thing or two.

Now they sat across from friends and fellow members of the Order and he couldn’t stop smelling her. Remus didn’t realize that having a mate meant you were intensely aware of their _everything._ He wasn’t even trying to notice her, but ignoring her was impossible because Tonks radiated not only the musk of their earlier lovemaking, but her own lovely scent. Sometimes he walked into their living area and could tell where she’d spent the afternoon reading on the cushions because her lovely smell was so strong there. He’d even taking to doing the laundry because he could sort the _clean_ laundry by scent. He didn’t even have to look at the item in his hand to tell if it was hers or not, though he often did because he didn’t want to risk missing the sight of her delightful under garments... 

Remus was distracted the entire meeting. If he didn’t stop thinking about his wife’s knickers  quick he was going to have a more urgent problem under the table… Finally he couldn’t control himself and put his arm gently around her shoulder and rested his hand on the mark he knew existed under her shirt. Chills raised along her pale skin, and he felt a shiver of need burn through him. Why is this meeting lasting so bloody long!?

When the meeting finally adjourned many members congratulated the couple and tried to engage them in conversation, but Remus, who was very good at looking tired because he so often was, thanked everyone and made a quick exit, his lovely witch in tow.

 

* * *

  

_[August 1997]_

 

The cottage was transformed at Tonks’ moving in. She added decorations to the walls, photographs and paintings, a tapestry in the bedroom, yellow dishes in the cupboards, and floor cushions to the living area around a low table.

“Are they for sitting or lying?” he’d asked when she placed them along the wall.

“Either! Both.” She smiled, but didn’t look at him. “This way, if I decide to seduce you in the living area we don’t have to worry about you breaking anymore furniture…” Her eyes sparkled jokingly.

“So you are seducing me? Or making me feel bad for accidentally breaking the sofa?”

“Either. Both.” She repeated with a casual shrug, her eyes sparked mischievously. Joy was becoming a familiar emotion to Remus Lupin, and he was awestruck every time he felt it.

 

* * *

 

_[September 1997]_

 

Tonks and Remus had been arguing over nothing all day. People who exist in the same space under high amounts of work and wartime stress eventually begin to bicker, but things had escalated to a full out battle over, what was it? He’d left some trash on the counter instead of tossing it in the bin? And his boots smelled like dog? What the bloody hell was wrong with this witch?

Right in the middle of a verbal sparring match Remus froze. Tonks thought he was trying to make her laugh, to make her forget about their disagreement about how slobbish he was being, and that made her even more angry.

“What the bloody hell is wrong with you?” she griped, “What are you staring at? Cut it out!”

He closed the gap between them and wrapped her in his arms. She resisted fiercely at first, but he was relentless and she stilled in his embrace. He buried his nose in her hair and inhaled deeply.

Her scent was different. Still similar, but slightly altered. She also looked tired and an ill kind of pale. Instantly, he felt guilty for arguing compounded with the kind of guilt that made him want to run far, far away. He was elated and devastated, excited and apprehensive, overjoyed and overwhelmed. Tears rolled off his cheeks and into her pinkish hair. Tonks looked up, confused and concerned.

“Love, I think you’re pregnant,” he whispered, panic coursing through him.

 

* * *

  

_[March 1998]_

 

Remus battled daily with hope and dismay as he watched his lovely wife blossom with pregnancy. Her sickness came and went and he did his best not to smell like a dog. They’d been careful, and neither of them were sure when they had conceived. This was a decision that fate seemed to make for them. Anxious as he was about passing on his condition, he feared that if anything happened to the baby he would always sense a brokenness in his pack. He was already hyper aware of his wife and their growing offspring. Tonks, after the shock of pregnancy wore off, was excited and confided that she’d hoped they could start a family after the war. 

Nothing about his life with Tonks had gone how he’d planned, but Remus was happy. He wondered if life was making up for all the joy it had stolen from him and he had a sinking feeling that it wasn’t going to last forever. He’d be a father, a good father, he decided.

He only lost his nerve once toward the end of the pregnancy when he and Tonks were discussing the impending birth of their son. It was then he realized that he could potentially lose both of them. Childbirth was not always an uncomplicated thing. He felt the bubble of panic within him burst, and he ran out of their house and wound up at Grimmauld Place in a fit of anxiety. He left there even more angry with himself than before, but Harry was right. He was being a coward. It was time to be a father.

 

* * *

  

_[April 1998]_

 

Edward Teddy Lupin: the second most beautiful being Remus had ever seen (the first was obviously his mate). He held his tiny son, awestruck by how _small_ he was.

“Hello, son. You’re here with mum and dad. You are so very wanted and special. I’m so happy you’re here.” He nuzzled Teddy’s head and breathed in the newness of him. Tonks let out a tearful laugh and Remus beamed at her, heart nearly exploding. Life had gifted him doubly. These two wonderful people were his and he could not fathom life without them.

 

* * *

 

_[May 1998]_

 

_I don’t belong here._ Remus lay across the stone floor, tears mixed with ash streamed down his scarred face. He looked to his right and managed to muster up enough energy to move his arm and wrap his hand around Tonks’ wrist. Her pulse was so faint. 

_What the hell am I doing here?_ He thought. _Why didn’t I hex her to stay home with our son…_ He felt her weakening.

Her breath was barely audible: “Stay with me,” she whispered. Just as she had on their first night together.

Up until now Remus wasn’t sure if he believed in an afterlife, but after Tonks came into his life he grew more hopeful that this wasn’t all there was, there would never be enough time to bask in her smile. She showed him that his cursed existence didn’t mean that he did not deserve happiness, goodness, and love. He’d come to believe that. Their son was evidence of their love and Remus hoped that Teddy made the most of his life and didn’t live life afraid like he had.

_Maybe Teddy will be like his mother_ , Remus thought. His attention floated through the images of his family, his loved ones, and he whispered, “I am yours forever, Tonks. I love you.”

He was suddenly very cold and he realized that her chest was no longer moving. Her wrist was no longer pulsating. She was no longer here with him. He felt incredibly sad, lost, and somehow hopeful. “I don’t belong here…” and he closed his eyes, praying to unseen forces that Teddy would know love and happiness, and that he’d see his wife again on the other side of whatever was coming. He stared up at the stone ceiling, inhaled deeply, closed his eyes and recalled her smile. With a peaceful slowness his soul left his body to seek his mate on some other plane.

 

 

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